Thursday, November 16, 2006

SF Pulp Parody

"Animatronica," the third (and last, I SWEAR it!) of my science fiction comedies was released as an ebook via Fictionwise this past Monday. Naturally, I hope that it sells a bazillion copies. Recommend it to all of the engineering frat boys you can think of. Tell them that it goes really well with pizza and a cold brew. The new mystery, "Corpse With the Key," came out about two weeks prior to that, and made it to slot #5 on the ebook mystery best-seller list. Not that it stayed there very long, mind you, but it did GET there. Now I have to buckle down and finish a science fiction book I'm working on, before I can get back to another mystery. It's a full life.


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Venus Fix

Dear Editor,

It appears that this new-fangled Internet contraption isn't just for porn anymore: it's also a tool for book marketing. Being a hack, I'm too busy pounding out dross to do any online promotion of my own, but MJ Rose is apparently going about it cleverly.

If you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my fifty-city book tour, which my publisher is of course paying for in full, and whip the talented unknown writers my publisher has provided me with until they've finished my latest book. Because everyone knows that successful authors don't write their own stuff. JK Rowling and Stephen King are really the same committee of five anonymous writers.

--Ima Bestselling Author


Friday, July 07, 2006

Everybody's Doin' the Meme-bo

Laura Lippman, over at her blog The Memory Project.

has posted anther on of those meme thingies, which basically consists of asking a lot of nosy questions and challenging people to answer. Originally, I think. you were supposed to demand answers form three specific people, but I'm glad to see people have quit doing that.
Anyway:

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

No. Been stopped and questioned a few times. One time I gave the officer a lecture on civil liberties while using the hood of a friend's car as a dais. This is why I don't drink Tequila anymore.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?

No.

3. When’s the last time you’ve been sledding?

2002. Last snowfall we had here.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?

Is this an offer?

5. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, no? And what is life but a form of energy?

6. Do you consider yourself creative?

Most of the time.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

Yes. As Billy Crystal put it, "You got blood in your car?"

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?

Angelina Jolie. The kind you don't take home to mutha.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex’s?

Some.

10. Do you know how to play poker?

Is this an offer?

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

Yes.

12. What’s your favorite commercial?

Currently. "Stunt City"


13. What are you allergic to?

Nothing.

14. If you’re driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?

I'll roll them, but not outright run them.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?

Yes.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?

Sox, baby.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?

Yes. It didn't go well.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?

I remember them in the morning but they fade by the end of the day unless I write them down.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

Watching Raising Arizona for the first time, so whenever that came out.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?

Yes.

21. What’s the one thing on your mind now?

Sex. Duh.

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass Barbie is?

No but I can figure it out.

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?

Yes, otherwise the car won't stop dinging.

24. What cell service do you use?

I refuse to answer.

25. Do you like Sushi?

Yes.

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?

Yes.

27. What do you wear to bed?

Fake antlers.

28. Been caught stealing?

Not yet.

29. What shoe size do you have?

13. wide.

30. Do you truly hate anyone?

Yes.

31. Classic Rock or Rap?

Classic Rock althought there is some rap I like.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?

See question 8.

33. Favorite Song?

Won't Get Fooled Again.

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?

Yes.

35. What food do you find disgusting?

Sea Urchin.

36. Do you sing in the shower ?

Yes, but only Gregorian Chants.

37. Did you ever play, “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours”?

Is this an offer?

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?

Oh, my friends and I rip on other friends who aren't there all the time, but we share it with them when they show up. It's a guy thing.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?

It's what I do for a living.

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?

Is this an offer?


Finished!

Hello, phellow pharts!

I just finished the first draft of my latest novel.

I am Very Excited about this.

I'm going to go celebrate with a fun-tastic game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos!


Saturday, June 24, 2006

Your Outrageous Review of The Hack Writers Guide to Young Adult Fiction by Bruce Anders

Dear Ed (you don't mind if I call you Ed, do you?),

I have just read the squirrelous review you wrote about Hans Christian Anderson's new book by "Bruce Anders" in Phartissimo and I am uphauled. I'll have you know that without Hans Christian Anderson's writings about Young Adults we would not have movies like "Ice Princess" that featured a Vampire Slayer's little sister skating in a rink and winning prizes, a lot like "Rocky" and "The Karate Kid" now that I think about it, except without any of the fighting with her fists, which is what her sister did, and which was deliteful fambly entertainment.

I haven't read the book yet, but you are wrong to say that it's abcessed with sex. Hans Christian Anderson never rote about getting laid (or is it lied? I can never remember), although that Sarah Michelle Geller was pretty hot, and she--well, never mind, but your wrong.

An Incense Reader


Friday, June 16, 2006

Repetition

Dear Editor,

I've been trying to make my way through this quagmire of digital fog known as "The Internet", but I find myself distracted by a most distracting phenomenon: that of repetition.

The same words are used, over and over and over again.

Words like: quagmire, digital, phenomenon, hack, characters, plot, murder, example, pwned, the, and, and.

My only recourse in this situation is obvious. I must find an alternative to this Internet. Something with a smidgeon less net, perhaps.

Can anyone possibly help an old lady?

Yours in exasperated exasperation,
Myrtle Grugenstein


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

By the way...

What is everyone doing? (Or is that an embarrassing question?) I'm working on the
third -- and LAST, I absolutely swear it! -- volume of my science fiction pastiche trilogy.
The characters are based on the pulps Futuremen, the plot is as dumb as I can make it, and
the idea is to cram in as many references to other writers' characters as I can possibly
remember. Meanwhile, I'm waiting for the publisher to release "Corpse With the Key,"
the fifth in my Detective Mark Stoddard series. When I get done with the pastiche, I'm
going to write a sequel to "Murder at the Worldcon." Just an eBook slut, that's me.


What the world needs more of

Dear Editor,

I think it is a travesty that so few writers blog, and that many of those who do blog only infrequently. This world needs far more whiny, self-indulgent entries simpering that "I just can't focus!" or bragging that "I've been so very productive, I wrote XXXX number of words today." Because every single Net user wants to know just how many words you write every single day, writers.

There are a few beacons of light. Take this guy, for example. Just about every day, he told his rabid readers all about his almost unbearably fascinating writing life. Take this entry, for example:

"I've been trying to transfer over to the other laptop for hours, and there are still problems. I'm going to have to get my dad to install iTunes, OpenOffice, and my printer as those require admin privileges, and this house feels like a furnace. I tried using AbiWord, but it screwed up my OpenOffice files even after I installed a special plugin.

Extremely irritating."

Truyly, truly captivating. How could you not care all about his computer woes? The dullness is simply delicious: why stop at experiencing agonizingly tedious computer errors of your own when you can read all about those of others?

So take heed, writers: get gritty! Tell us all about life's minutiae and indulge your inner whine.

--Bo Dacious


Old-Fashioned Values

Dear Editor,

There was a time when Letters to the Editor began with "Dear Editor" and then said something about (a) how the newspaper got all the facts completely wrong, or (b) how the newspaper finally saw the light and endorsed the right candidate for County Sewer Maintenance Supervisor.

We didn't have any of this touchy-feely poetic crap back in the good old days. Another sign of the so-called objectivity of the Liberal Press, if you ask me.

Next you'll be writing letters to yourself disguised a disgruntled reader in the hopes of creating a controversy intended solely to increase circulation. Well, I, for one, have had enough. Cancel my subscription to Phartissimo forthwith.

--A Disgruntled Reader


Monday, June 12, 2006

O Febreeze!

As I stare at the spray bottle
The nozzle catches my eye
And though I try, and try,
I cannot adjust it

Too much scent is ruinous, alas
But too little would leave the room smelling like sweaty blue jeans, so crass
What, oh what, is the solution to my dilemma?
There is but one: to hurl myself from the window-a


Yeah, Baby......

Howdy y'all...

This was too darn easy to get here..... Hey, where is our phart-ful leader?


Who said it was easy???

First it didn't like my name, and then it didn't like my password.
I should have signed up as someone like Helga Heingenstratler.
(Oh, excuse me HelgaHeingenstratler -- it doesn't like spaces.)