Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Venus Fix

Dear Editor,

It appears that this new-fangled Internet contraption isn't just for porn anymore: it's also a tool for book marketing. Being a hack, I'm too busy pounding out dross to do any online promotion of my own, but MJ Rose is apparently going about it cleverly.

If you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my fifty-city book tour, which my publisher is of course paying for in full, and whip the talented unknown writers my publisher has provided me with until they've finished my latest book. Because everyone knows that successful authors don't write their own stuff. JK Rowling and Stephen King are really the same committee of five anonymous writers.

--Ima Bestselling Author

Friday, July 07, 2006

Everybody's Doin' the Meme-bo

Laura Lippman, over at her blog The Memory Project.

has posted anther on of those meme thingies, which basically consists of asking a lot of nosy questions and challenging people to answer. Originally, I think. you were supposed to demand answers form three specific people, but I'm glad to see people have quit doing that.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

No. Been stopped and questioned a few times. One time I gave the officer a lecture on civil liberties while using the hood of a friend's car as a dais. This is why I don't drink Tequila anymore.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?


3. When’s the last time you’ve been sledding?

2002. Last snowfall we had here.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?

Is this an offer?

5. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, no? And what is life but a form of energy?

6. Do you consider yourself creative?

Most of the time.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

Yes. As Billy Crystal put it, "You got blood in your car?"

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?

Angelina Jolie. The kind you don't take home to mutha.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex’s?


10. Do you know how to play poker?

Is this an offer?

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?


12. What’s your favorite commercial?

Currently. "Stunt City"

13. What are you allergic to?


14. If you’re driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?

I'll roll them, but not outright run them.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?


16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?

Sox, baby.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?

Yes. It didn't go well.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?

I remember them in the morning but they fade by the end of the day unless I write them down.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

Watching Raising Arizona for the first time, so whenever that came out.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?


21. What’s the one thing on your mind now?

Sex. Duh.

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass Barbie is?

No but I can figure it out.

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?

Yes, otherwise the car won't stop dinging.

24. What cell service do you use?

I refuse to answer.

25. Do you like Sushi?


26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?


27. What do you wear to bed?

Fake antlers.

28. Been caught stealing?

Not yet.

29. What shoe size do you have?

13. wide.

30. Do you truly hate anyone?


31. Classic Rock or Rap?

Classic Rock althought there is some rap I like.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?

See question 8.

33. Favorite Song?

Won't Get Fooled Again.

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?


35. What food do you find disgusting?

Sea Urchin.

36. Do you sing in the shower ?

Yes, but only Gregorian Chants.

37. Did you ever play, “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours”?

Is this an offer?

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?

Oh, my friends and I rip on other friends who aren't there all the time, but we share it with them when they show up. It's a guy thing.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?

It's what I do for a living.

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?

Is this an offer?


Hello, phellow pharts!

I just finished the first draft of my latest novel.

I am Very Excited about this.

I'm going to go celebrate with a fun-tastic game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Suggestions needed

Dear Editor:

Thank you so very much for the kind invite. When I received my certificate, I tearfully rushed to my family, showing them the honor that had been bestowed upon me. They acted underwhelmed, however, I'm sure that deep down they were pleased tht I didn't rush over to the neighbors and brandish the same yellowed document in their faces.

Especially since our beloved pooch had just done his business in their yard, and said neighbors would have surely pummeled me and beat upon the head and spine.

In any event, having been accepted into this sacred sanctum of hackdom, I have a query for my new brethren. Does there exist an apt metaphor that might replace "white-knuckled?"

Your servant,